My World Is Crumbling

Posted: October 25th, 2014 in computers, disclosure, life, philosophy
Tags: , , , , , ,

I told myself and therapist #2 that I was going to do a nice blog post today on the PC as I am not at band and have all day and the desktop WordPress is worlds better than this stupid app.. Well, I have till 5 anyway.

So I started pretty early… It is now 6 minutes to 2 and the damn PC only just loaded the page. Over 2 hours. I am so stressed out I can hardly scream or cry though those reactions might help.

I am thinking that it is the prehistoric PC that I am stuck with. XP, Pentium 4 2.8 – really old like over 10 years. It was nice back then and it’s outlived the custom handmade BOXX workstation, but it is just so frustrating… All that time wasted and time is not very available without compromising my aunt’s care which I just won’t do.

So I gave up with it and am writing this on the very limited android app. So I am so sorry readers, but imagery and suchlike will be uncommon treats which upsets me as I love doing that for myself as well as for you.

Dammit.

I think in the second to last post, a simple YT video with a paragraph took about 45 minutes and that was “good.”

Basically I have been trying these days to see the good in life and try to convince myself that I should not snuff it when my aunt goes home. There are quite a few folks trying to get me to see as well. Some rare friends on Facebook, the hospice coordinator and care volunteer and the hospice chaplain as well as the home care aide who comes over every day.

Forty five years of depression and bad experiences limit the ability to see any good things… I have never been happy, for example, I just do not know what that means. I can not relate when people tell me I should be so.

For the past few weeks now I have been trying hard to get my thoughts going in the direction most say they should go… towards a positive attitude regarding the future and what it might bring. It is slow going, to be sure as I have convinced myself over the decades that nothing good would or even could happen to me, if only because it never had. That of course is not counting the handful of real friends I have, who I treasure and love deeply. There have been so many more false people who did their level best to hurt me and always succeeded.

I believe I can change that standard line of self destructive thinking and replace it with positivity, but it is going to take some effort. I am grateful for my strengths… people are always saying that they can’t fathom how I do what I have done these past few years. That must be a positive thing I think. So, yeah, dammit I am going to do it.

Maybe I won’t have to die alone, even.

That’d be nice, but, breath holding is not advised.

I don’t know… hopefully it will all work out… I am pretty much convinced though that I will be starting anew with not a dime once the state and the feds get through sucking the life out of what’s left.

Anyway, peace and I thank you for still being there.

Peace.

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