Baying At The Moon … A Cry For Help.

Posted: January 13th, 2013 in friends, human behavior, life, The Blues
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

A strange post follows… from out of the blue… an attempt at inner peace through writing it out…

I can’t sleep. I usually can, but not tonight. It’s 6 in the morning… been up since 2:30. My mind’s racing. It always does. Always. Can’t stop it, or even slow it down. So many thoughts. Like cars on the highway, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them, all going fast, so fast. And I look at them all.

My friend Nelson’s getting help with the same thing and says it’s working. I need that same help. Need it so bad, so damn bad. And I have, for the first time, decided that I will get it.  Applying for SAGA state aid, even though they’ll hold me as a financial hostage. Awaiting the start of the second, much larger in scope therapy program. Reapplying at the hospital’s clinic.

Took some cig breaks outside as it’s warm… and cried at the end of the driveway. Short walks down the hill. Need to stop smoking tobacco, really. Thankfully, that thought at least is sinking in pretty well.

This new determination to make 2013 radically different and good is the direct result of the aftermath of what I have gone through over the past three months… something which went horribly wrong and left my heart and soul ripped right in half. That ripping overwhelmed me as it was the very manifestation of my inexperience and fears in living life.

My wonderful loving friends, who in my long-standing despair had not been called or visited in so very long, showed their true colors and helped me see clearly what had been happening in those months… and long before… and I have thus been able to cope and return to a place of relative calm. I thank God for them and love them dearly. One has suggested that I write up this experience and told of the healing and mental organization that will come of doing that. This post is somewhat of a preamble to that task… I think I should do it.

I am so alone; have been since the year dot. If only there was someone to love, someone to hold, to share life with, someone to help ease the pain. Someone who… in her heart… truly wants to be that person.

I don’t know how to find such a person. Not a clue.

When that last sentence got typed, I finally felt tired, very tired and fell asleep in the chair. Awoke at 8 and laid down. Up at 10:30, checked on my aunt and walked down the hill to Mario’s to get some egg, cheese and bacon sandwiches. Someone had taken a tear-off from my web design poster there. No one has contacted me, even from the last one. Saddens me. I think this one’s slightly better after editing. We’ll see, eh?

I’d been pacing and pacing and pacing, trying with no success to keep the angst down, puttering with no real aim and going outside as mentioned to feel the cool air. Nothing was working, not even music so I typed the blurb above. It did help. I hope you can forgive this deviation from WATT’s norm.

Taking comfort… knowing that this will be the start of inner peace and healing, a mere 50 years late.

I take comfort in you readers, too. You make the world seem that much less lonely. Thank you.

Peace to you.

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